Five Ways to Teach Empathy While Parenting in a Pandemic
Earlier this summer, as COVID-19 continued to rage across the country, and it became apparent that there would be few—if any—summer camps available, limited time for our children to enjoy social interaction with their friends, and very little opportunity to travel away from our four walls, my girls and I begin cobbling together a mix of things we wanted to learn, read, and do this summer.
Four weeks in, and we’ve already taken on a week of baking camp (I did not miss my calling as a French pastry chef), we planted native wildflowers in our yard to attract butterflies, we kicked off a summer reading club with friends, and— much to my daughter’s initial disinterest, we enrolled in a week of online etiquette camp—an hour per day to learn the basics of table manners, compliments, and confidence building.
A few days back, as my daughter was logged on to Zoom for that camp, listening to the instructor teach the basics on how to make proper introductions, it became clear that something important had clicked in Sophia.
“OK, children, listen up. When you’re getting ready to introduce people to one another, you should always introduce the more important person to the less important person”, the instructor said.
Sophia looked at me, questioning and curious. That explanation did not sit well with her.
As I sat next to her, I nodded softly to Sophia, motioning to that it was OK to ask the instructor for clarification.
Sophia put her arm up slowly so the instructor would pause in conversation. “Yes, Sophia?”
“But aren’t all people important?”
Boom.
It’s hard to know when life lessons will show themselves, but that was undoubtedly one of them. And not just for Sophia, who learned the importance of questioning an authority when something doesn’t feel right. It was an equally important reminder for me of just how much we can learn about empathy from the simple curiosities of a child.
Her desire to question the instructor in that moment was one grounded in experience. “Don’t all people matter, and shouldn’t we make all people feel very important, even if they don’t have a title?” she said to me after class.
Empathy is a complex concept for a kid, but we talk about it as an ability to see the world through another’s eyes. The importance of empathy has long been understood among educators, parents, and physicians, but during this time of COVID, it is an ever-important concept for kids to embrace.
When our children can learn to see situations from another’s perspective (how would it feel to be considered less important, for instance), we create opportunities for kindness to emerge. And, in this especially challenging time, how can we be anything but kind?
If you’re looking for ways to build empathy in your children this summer, consider ways to practice and model empathy in your own actions first. Here are a few tips to consider:
1. Speak from Experience vs. Giving Advice. Creating relatable moments for children can really help build their empathy muscle and build connections between human experiences. My dear friend and mom of three, Frederique Irwin, was the first to teach me about the Gestalt Language Protocol, in which individuals speak from experience rather than giving advice. For instance, saying, “Here’s what worked for me…” or “I remember experiencing something similar when I was your age…” is far more effective and empathic than saying “Here’s what you should do…” or “Here’s what I would do…”
2. Listen vs. Analyze. Our kids don’t always come to us expecting the answers, or even to understand everything they’re feeling. Sometimes, they just want to be heard. The more we can give them the space to talk without being evaluated or analyzed, the better they’ll be at listening and learning from others, too. The next time your child is working through an emotion that feel complicated, rather than jumping to a statement like “You’re taking this too seriously…,” just listen, and avoid the urge to have “the right answer.”
3. Give Your Kids Your Full Attention. When our children were very young, a friend said to me, “take every chance you can to see life from their perspective.” At the time, he was talking about literally getting down on the ground with my baby to look up at life, but I’ve kept that sentiment close as my children have grown. In this time of COVID, when work and family have collided on so many levels, and it is increasingly hard to limit multitasking, I have to regularly remind myself of this lesson from C.S Lewis: that my “children are not a distraction from more important things, but that they are the most important thing.” Multitasking, while a great skill, is not appropriate when working empathically. Instead, practice active listening. Tune into what your child is saying without interruption. Pay careful attention to their body language and facial expressions and periodically repeating back to them what you think they’re trying to say, to make sure you understand them accurately. The real test of active listening: next time you’re in conversation with your kid, focus in on the color of their eyes. Tune in to them fully, to help see the world through those eyes, and you’ll likely find that you will hear them better than you have in the past.
4. Look for and Embrace Commonalities. Approach each day with your kids knowing that you have at least one thing in common with every single person with whom you interact—on daily walks, in trips to the grocery store, and with people delivering packages to your door. When interacting with people who, at first glance, seem to be different from you, seek out sources of commonality and shared experience, and model this in front of your children. Actively embracing Shared Identity can do a lot to promote empathy.
5. Share in Other People’s Joy. Empathy is not just about commiserating; it can also be experienced in response to positive emotions such as happiness and pride. If you hear someone else sharing good news or celebrating a special moment, step away from whatever you’re doing, and express your wholehearted enthusiasm for their good news. Moments like this take mere seconds, but they are immensely important for modeling empathy with your children.
The short summary to all of this is: Life is hard, and there will always be more to teach our kids. Start every day from a place of compassion, and an understanding that it’s OK to not know all the answers. And, in taking the time to practice and model empathy in our own lives, our kids will catch on, too.
(This post was originally featured on The TODAY SHow Parenting Team website. Read the original article here: https://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/5-ways-to-teach-empathy-over-summer-vacation
If you’d like more adventures like these, check out the full Adventures in Kindness book for more!
A Reading List for Racially Conscious Kids
Hi there and thanks for your interest in our reading list for racially conscious kids. We started this list in 2020, as part of a series of “critical conversations” we wanted to have at our family’s dinner table. A few nights each week, we set up various scenarios that let us get into conversation as a family about what’s happening in our world in ways that can help make the headlines make sense to our kids, and that foster open dialogue and hard conversation.
I want to acknowledge that conversations on race can be hard, but they don’t need to be intimidating, and our hope as parents is that by modeling and fostering conversations on race; by embracing culture in all forms, beyond the white dominant culture that we were raised in; and by creating a space where they can work through hard questions inspires our kids to keep critical conversation going and to show up for racial justice every day.
Many of the books here have been part of our dinnertime conversations, and we hope they make their way into your conversations too.
In learning and service-
Carrie.
READING LIST FOR EARLY ELEMENTARY AGES
The Day You Begin, Jacqueline Woodson + illustrated by Rafael López
We all feel like outsiders sometimes. But Jacqueline Woodson and Rafael López remind us that when we share our stories, we can make connections with one another that help us feel not so different.
Enough! 20 Protesters Who Changed America, Emily Easton + illustrated by Ziyue Chen
Meet America’s most influential protestors— from Harriet Tubman to Jazz Jennings— and find out how brave actions can create positive, lasting change.
The Youngest Marcher: The Story of Audrey Faye Hendricks, A Young Civil Rights Activist, Cynthia Levinson + illustrated by Vanessa Brantley-Newton
Audrey Faye Hendricks was nine-years-old when she was arrested during a civil rights protest in 1963. Her remarkable story proves that no one is too small to make a difference.
Separate is Never Equal: Sylvia Mendez & Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation, Duncan Tonatiuh
When Sylvia Mendez was denied access to a “whites only” school in California, she and her family took brave actions in pursuit of justice. Learn more about the Mendez family’s courage, and how it led to the end of segregated education in California.
Let It Shine: Stories of Black Women Freedom Fighters, Andrea Davis Pinkney + illustrated by Stephen Alcorn
Andrea Davis Pinkney and Stephen Alcorn celebrate the lives of ten Black women whose bravery has created lasting change for generations to come.
The Story of Ruby Bridges, Robert Coles
In 1960, Ruby Bridges, a young African American girl, entered a “whites-only” school in New Orleans. Her enrollment caused anger and violence, but Ruby was brave and resilient. Learn more about Ruby, her family, and turmoil in America during the 1960s from Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Coles.
Let’s Talk About Race, Julius Lester
Julius Lester encourages us to break down our assumptions about race and identity, and explore how those assumptions impact the way we view ourselves and others.
Desmond and the Very Mean Word, Desmond Tutu
When Desmond goes for a bike ride in his neighborhood, a group of boys shout a very mean word at him. While he initially responds with an insult of his own, Desmond comes to understand that all people deserve empathy, no matter what.
Lillian’s Right to Vote, Jonah Winter
Lillian, a one-hundred-year-old African American woman, reflects on her family’s voting history and the bravery and resiliency required to establish the Voting Rights Act of 1965.
Sit-in: How Four Friends Stood Up by Sitting Down, Andrea Davis Pinkney
When four brave friends sat down at a “whites only” lunch counter in North Carolina, they defined an important moment in the civil rights movement. Learn how this peaceful protest advanced racial equity in 1960s America.
Shining Star: The Anna May Wong Story, Paula Yoo
When Anna May Wong was a young, aspiring actress, there were very few roles for Asian Americans in cinema. What’s more, most of these roles were inspired by demeaning stereotypes. After many unfulfilling jobs, Anna May rose up as a pioneer in the world of cinema, crusading for more meaningful roles for herself and other Asian American actors.
READING LIST FOR OLDER ELEMENTARY AND MIDDLE SCHOOL AGES
Look Both Ways, Jason Reynolds
A walk home can take more directions than we might initially think. In this book, Jason Reynolds tells ten stories about what might happen after the school bell rings, fusing them into a funny, poignant message about life’s detours.
New Kid, Jerry Kraft
Seventh grader Jordan Banks is one of the few students of color at his new school. Commuting from his apartment in Washington Heights to the Riverdale Academy Day School, Jordan faces a daily challenge of navigating the cultural differences between his new school and the neighborhood he calls home.
This Book is Anti-Racist, Tiffany Jewell + illustrated by Aurelia Durand
This exploration of identity, true history, and anti-racism work is a resource for young people learning to identify the role of racism in the injustices they’re seeing at school, in their communities, and beyond. This book provides the language to discuss racism, an ability to understand racism, and a drive to undo it.
March: Books 1-3, Andrew Aydin and John Lewis
This series spans Congressman John Lewis’ early life in Alabama, his commitment to a nonviolent dismantling of racism, and his lifetime of “good trouble.”
Stamped (For Kids): Racism, Antiracism, and You, Ibram X. Kendi and Jason Reynolds
Adapted from the bestseller Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You, this book invites kids to explore where racist ideas came from, how they impact America today, and how antiracism can be a tool used to combat racism in our schools, our communities, and within ourselves.
Front Desk, Kelly Yang
Mia Tang is having an eventful year. She’s got busy days and big dreams, and both are coming with no shortage of challenges. Through it all, Mia must learn to make sense of the world around her, all while staying true to herself.
Three Keys, Kelly Yang
Sixth grader Mia Tang faces a rollercoaster of academic, business, and political challenges as the school year gets underway. She must find the courage— and the keys— to get through these turbulent times.
My Family Divided: One Girl’s Journey of Home, Loss, and Hope, Diane Guerrero and Erica Moroz
Before she was a widely-recognized actress and activist, Diane Guerrero was a young girl living in Boston. Learn more about Diane’s childhood, and the life-altering experience of facing deportation as an undocumented immigrant.
My Name is Bilal, Asma Mobin-Uddin M.D.
When Bilal and his sister attend a new school, they struggle with being the only Muslim students enrolled. Bilal finds support in his Muslim teacher, and he learns to embrace his identity rather than try to hide it.
Voice of Freedom: Fannie Lou Hamer, Carole Boston Weatherford
Carole Boston Weatherford celebrates the life of Fannie Lou Hamer, a civil rights champion whose role in the Freedom Summer of 1964 spurred the nation to act in the pursuit of justice.
We Troubled the Waters, Ntozake Shange
Award-winning poet Ntozake Shange gives voice to all who acted for justice during the civil rights movement, bringing to light the forgotten and immortalized stories of lasting change.
Hidden Figures Young Readers’ Edition, Margot Lee Shetterly
Four African American female mathematicians at NASA forever changed the face of STEM, and America, when they helped achieve some of the greatest moments in our space program.
Brown Girl Dreaming, Jacqueline Woodson
Raised in South Carolina and New York, Jacqueline Woodson didn’t feel fully at home in either state. Through vivid, accessible poetry, Woodson shares what it was like to try to find her place in the world as an African American child growing up in the 1960s and ‘70s.
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, Sherman Alexie
Sherman Alexie chronicles the contemporary adolescence of Junior, a budding cartoonist and the only Native American student at his school.
Nelson Mandela: The Authorized Comic Book, Nelson Mandela Foundation
Nelson Mandela was the first democratically elected leader of South Africa. Learn more about his story, from his birth and childhood, to his lifetime of struggle against apartheid and oppression.
For more great reads, visit coloursofus.com/multicultural-childrens-books-lists.
If you’d like more adventures like these, check out the full Adventures in Kindness book for more! Use code KINDSUMMER22 for free shipping and receive a free gift with your purchase!
Adventures Ahead
When Sophia and I set out to write this book, we had no idea where the adventure would take us. But after having one too many conversations trying to make sense of what felt broken in our world, we decided it was time to build a list of what we —kids AND their caring adults—can do to actively contribute to the good of our world.
Well, hi friend. We’re so glad you’re here.
When Sophia and I set out to write this book, we had no idea where the adventure would take us. But after having one too many conversations trying to make sense of what felt broken in our world, we decided it was time to build a list of what we —kids AND their caring adults—can do to actively contribute to the good of our world. Adventures in Kindness is our love letter to the world— a fun, practical resource for kids who care about doing good in the world, and who might enjoy connecting with and learning from other kind kids, too.
While writing this book (and going on the adventures included within its pages!) there was one feeling that stuck with us most: With every adventure we took on, we felt our hearts fill up with happiness. We felt more aware of the world around us. We felt surprised and wanting to learn even more about the people we met, the places we went and the cultures we experienced along the way.
Our hope is that when the book makes its way into your hands (mark your calendar for our May 2020 release), these adventures leave you feeling the same way.
Click here to reserve your copy or host a book event, and stay on the lookout for more good things to come.
To all the good adventures ahead-
Carrie Fox